Coming Home, or "Remembering and Forgetting"

Big Bro and Veeve hold a sign our neighbors affixed
to the front door.

We're back. We made the 23 hour journey. Survived being awake for about 28 hours give or take. Lasted through a 4 hour lay-over in San Francisco. Made it through customs, and came all the way back to our own beds and our own house from our "Taiwan House" in Tamsui. We're back in the trenches now just over a month after the journey. Back to life as normal. And much to my surprise, I had quite forgotten what that looks like and how to live it. I was very diligent to prepare my kids and myself for our journey. I never even considered that we would need to prepare to come home. After all, it's home, right? We've come back to what we KNOW.

But making the adjustment to normal life has been rough. Not unhappy-rough. Not even exhausting-rough. But very unsettling-rough. I simply forgot how to live with a routine. And so have my children!

I'm not sure if coming back practically 3 days before Christmas was a blessing or a curse. I say "practically" because we got back to the house about 7:30pm on Dec 19 and had been awake for about 28 hours. (More for Q, less a 20 minute nap for me.) So that day was shot. The NEXT day was Sunday. We went to one hour of church (though the kids stayed for 2 to see friends) and then came home, rested, and went to Q's folks for food. Thankfully. The fridge was pretty bare, though I did have visiting teachers leave food, which was completely inspired!

So I had Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday to mostly finish preparations before Christmas. Because it ALL needs to be DONE by Christmas Eve, right? We can't be wrapping gifts or shopping ON Christmas. Not only did Santa AND the Wisemen bring gifts, but Q and I managed gifts for the kids. AND a gift for each of our 27 nieces and nephews, AND a few of the kids' friends. Wrapped. In wrapping paper, NOT gift bags. Honestly, this was the fun part! We'd done the shopping IN Taiwan, which was also completely FUN, and then the kids helped wrap and label, and we talked and anticipated everyone's excitement together. So it was lovely.

(Left: the tree up close and beautiful!)

Home Sweet Home for the Holidays.

We also had the Harrises over for eggnog and to talk all things Taiwan on Christmas Eve, so we had to have the house clean and functional for that. AND we fully decorated. Because it just wouldn't be Christmas, the holiday we were so looking forward to and couldn't wait to come home for, without a tree, the stockings, the garland, etc.. AND we prepped to be out of town for two nights celebrating Christmas with MY whole fam.

Our dear friends took us (and Pop!) to see
Ballet West's Nutcracker
AFTER Christmas, so we didn't even miss out on that!
But the girls are looking spent, aren't they!? I hadn't
even noticed 'til posting this picture!

Needless to say, all this was hardly "normal life." Jet lag was perfect for the projects of unpacking, wrapping, and sorting. When I felt it was 7:30 in the morning at 2:30 am, I just got up and got to work. When the kids were tired when it was still light outside, they could watch holiday movies in the basement while I wrapped their gifts. The house was left spotless, and we wouldn't be in it long enough before Christmas to worry about seriously getting it dirty again, so each day I simply had a project to advance or complete. And we did it. And it was amazing, and it was lovely!

After that hustle and bustle, it was time to get back to our chores, time to do school work again. Time to get the kids in their various activities so they could progress in their learning and talents. Time for me feed everyone, and do our laundry, and manage the logistics of doing it all. And I was very out of practice. AND so was everyone else. We'd been out of practice for far longer than our 4 months in Taiwan. The month before we left, I had been crazy busy packing the house and getting it ready for renters and our luggage ready to go. The month before that, we weren't even LIVING in our home except on the weekends! I was running kids to and from ballet in Salt Lake City. And on top and through it all, I had walking pneumonia and back and neck issues. It is fair to say that the last time we lived "normal" - existed in the bounds of any routine - was WAY back in May! It had been 7 MONTHS of projecting, of going, of outings, of doing just what needed to be done and no more.

It turns out cleaning, and cooking, and shopping, and helping three kids to do math, reading, penmanship, their chores and classes is HARD. I had forgotten that! Maybe, in the habit, it doesn't seem so huge because it's just "what we do." But it wasn't what I did for the better part of one year. And not only was I trying to make the adjustment, I was also trying to manage and facilitate that adjustment for FOUR KIDS. (And as all mothers know, getting on a routine generally means some resistance before things begin to run smoothly.)

I think what was harder than any of this was not knowing it was hard. My expectation for myself, no lofty goal but just my thought of what life would be, was simple: it would just feel like what it had felt like before. But before I had managed a routine. Before I was in the groove, in the momentum, in the habit. And getting all that up and running took far more time or energy than I could ever have imagined! The miracle is that I have had great health for all of it. Even when my kids have been sick and Q has had sleeping issues. But maybe because I didn't have anything to point to, to say "I'm off because I'm ill," or jet-lagged, or whatever, it was all the more confusing that I WAS off. I felt afraid to make commitments, afraid to entertain, afraid to say yes to anything. I just didn't feel like I had my feet underneath myself, and I couldn't make more happen than the very, VERY basics of 3 meals and schoolwork.

Blessedly, I WAS present enough to realize I WASN'T myself. And aware that I needed and could give myself TIME to normalize. It was only in the process of trying to normalize that I realized all of what I have recorded above. Through prayer and journaling, I realized just how far away normal was for us, why it WAS so hard. I was able to understand my need for space, AND feel gratitude for all the amazing feats I had pulled off while NOT being "normal."

So I gave myself, and my family, time and space and knew normal would come. I hoped living a homeschooling life with 4 kids was like riding a bike - you might be out of practice but you never forget. Perhaps it is, because normal is returning. We are finding our footing, mastering our time, and gaining confidence that we will be able to do more than just survive soon.

The sun sets in Utah, like our beautiful fading memories of our lives away in Taiwan.

BUT! BUT! So sadly, and just as I never had guessed how much we'd been away from normal, I never guessed how much normal would distance me from my lovely experience in Taiwan! When we first came home, I could almost close my eyes and be back in Taiwan. I could dream I was. I would wake up in the morning and feel our miraculous trip there was so present that the joy of it would fuel my energy for the day and inspire my desires. Tragically, it seems every step I take towards finding my place in life here makes life in Taiwan feel so much further away. I have been home for just over one month. I am almost into a rhythm, and now Taiwan feels almost like it happened half a year ago. When we are fully back into the swing of life as we knew it, how far will Taiwan feel then? When I see pictures of our trip, it feels like a beautiful thing that happened once. Will it someday seem like an amazing dream I think I remember? Like walking through a fog, I can't walk towards the life I want and need to live and keep a clear vision on the life I've led. So I guess this post is my tearful good-bye to the beautiful places and experiences I've passed through. I'm on the road now to places I need to go, but hoping, in the quiet of my heart, that the road will circle back again.